November 28, 2008 - Happy Holidays Edition

Hello my Friends and Welcome Back to Friday Night Writes. Seeing as this is the Black Friday Edition of Friday Night Writes I feel that this is a very appropriate week to blog about the Holidays. You may be asking yourself: Self, how should we determine which is the greatest of the Holidays? I will tell your self how you settle it. You take advantage of the fact that America has the greatest Court System in the World. I'm talking Innocent Until Proven Guilty and Trial by One's Peers. Let us take advantage of the American Legal System. However, I think that this is such an important debate that it will be moved directly to a Supreme court: The Supremely Awesome Court. Each Holiday will be allowed to have an advocate of the Holiday express their opening statements and then a cross examination will follow. After each of the 15 Holidays present has had their case The Supreme Court will poll itself and the greatest of Holidays will be crowned. So without further ado...

Holiday Court

Let us meet the panel of Judges that make up The Supremely Awesome Court:

Honorable Judge Craig Ferguson - Host of the Late Late Show

Honorable Judge Kristen Bell - Star of Veronica Mars, Heroes, and Forgetting Sara Marshall

Honorable Judge Cookie Monster - Member of Seaseme Street and connaisseur of fine cookies

These three are known for their impartiality and general awesomeness. They will present us with their awesome ruling and we will know what the best Holiday truly is. They have deemed that Holiday's should present themselves in alphabetical rather than cronilogical order so let us begin.

Hon. Bell: First up is April Fool's Day. It will have it's case presented by Bill Murray, the star of such films as Caddyshack, Ghostbusters, and Lost in Translation. Your opening statements Mr. Murray.

B.Murray: Thank you. April Fool's Day, while not admittedly a national holiday in many countries which celebrate it, is a day that is celebrated on April 1st throughout the world. The genious of this holiday is that celebrates the aim of embarrassing the gullible and naive. It exposes the absurdity of IQ inflation. It is a holiday that can be tailormade to fit a person's need. One can play hoaxes or practical jokes of varying sophistication on friends, family, neighbors, enemies, professors, students, waitresses, paperboys, or strangers. You'd think people would put their guard up on April 1st but they often don't. Every year hundreds of millions of Americans leave themselves prone to April Fool's Day hoaxes. I would like to present some of the best so we can have a full appreciation.

Exhibit A: The Taco Liberty Bell. 1996. Taco Bell announces that it has purchased the Liberty Bell and re-named it. When thousands of angry citizens become enraged the White House press secretary plays along and states that it will also be selling the rights to the Lincoln Mercury Memorial.

Exhibit B: The Left-Handed Whopper. 1998. Burger King advertises a left-handed Whopper with the ingredients rotated 180 degrees for left-handed Americans. Over 10,000 are ordered and many customers specify they want the right-handed Whopper.

Exhibit C: Arm the Homeless. 1999. The Phoenix New Times reports that a charity group is sponsoring an initiative to help the homeless by arming them with firearms and ammunition to protect them from a rash of beatings. Despite the ridiculousness of it the Associated Press gets hold of it and their is short-term panic.

Exhibit D: Drunk Driving on the Internet. 1994. PC Computing published an article stating that as Congress has deemed the Internet the Information Super Highway you will not be allowed to drink and surf the web. The Bill, SB 040194 (04/01/94), was to be sponsored by Ted Kennedy, whose office was flooded with outraged calls. Good, the guy is an asshole.

Exhibit E: The Derbyshire Fairy. 2007. Dan Baines perpetrated the hoax surrounding the body of an 8-inch mummified creature (pictured) found near a rural road in Derbyshire. Tens of thousands bit on the hoax and several still maintain that the fairy's status as a hoax is a government cover-up. Conspiracy suckers. The easiest April Fool's Day marks.
In conclusion April Fool's Day is a day that brings the unites the world together in the common goal of making others look like idiots. It also provides people with a second chance and allows you to immediately take back ignorant or incendiary statements by following them with "April Fools".
Hon. Ferguson: Thank you Mr. Murray. Time for the Cross-Examination.

J. Hummel: Mr. Murray, isn't it true that unlike Christmas, April Fool's Day has no official colors and you merely decorated it in red and blue at random?

B.Murray: This is not correct. I selected those colors from the Movie April Fool's Day.

M. Van Dellan: The terrible 1986 Version?

B. Murray: No...the new 2009 Version starring me, Natalie Portman, Tom Hanks, and Osama Bin Laden.

M.B. Mathews: Really?!?

B. Murray: April Fools! See? No...the 2008 Direct-to-Video version.

R. O'Brien: I would like to object to the fact that April Fool's is still a successful enterprise. I don't think that people are as gullible as they once were.

B.Murray: Didn't your mother call the La Canada City Council on April 1st, 2008 to protest a Hooters that was being put into the Sport Chalet Center.

R. O'Brien: Objection withdrawn.

B. Stinson: Sir, are you not also an advocate for the Holiday known as Groundhog's Day?

B.Murray: I would like to take the fifth.

Hon. Bell: That ends the Cross-Examination. Next up is Christmas Eve/Day. It will have its case presented by Jessica Hummel, a 2008 graduate of Cal Poly San Luis Obispo with a degree in Nutrition. Your opening statements Ms. Hummel.

J. Hummel: Gracias y Feliz Navidad. The case for Christmas is an easy one. Christmas is the holiday that has made it's mark on western culture more so than any other holiday. We have Christmas Shopping, Christmas Specials, Christmas lights, Christmas music, and Christmas trees. Christmas has it all. Christmas is also more than just a day. It's an entire season based around family and love and good will toward men. It's a time to be swept away with feelings of giving and generosity. The reason that Christmas has such a substantial hold on our culture is we are profoundly affected by it as children. Everybody has Christmas memories and for most of us, sans Ebineezer Scrooge, they are good memories. And why not? What's not to like?
Exhibit A: Christmas Music. What wonderful music it is. As the Christmas Season approaches with the dawn of December radio stations will start playing Christmas songs and people will start listening. Not me. I listen all year round. Such great songs. "Let It Snow!", "Last Christmas", "Carol of the Bells", "Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer." And no matter who your favorite artist is: Everybody has a Christmas album. But Christmas songs aren't just for the radio and holiday CDs. They promote caroling. Yeah!
Exhibit B: Decorations. Halloween is the only holiday that can even come close to the elaboratness of Christmas's decoration set-up and even it falls short. Plus Halloween decorations are ugly. Christmas decorations are aesthetically pleasing and designed to bring cheer. You have the Christmas tree as the center of all decorations with its colored lights, ornaments, tinsel, and topper. The family gets to bond around decorating the tree and putting up ornaments filled with memories. There are also wreathes and stockings and jinglebells, oh my!
Exhibit C: Everybody knows that C is for Christmas Cookies. Look at these delicious cookies. We've got gingerbread cookies and cookies in the shapes of Santa, trees, and angels. Some are decorated with frosting. Would you mind holding these for me Honorable Judge Monster.
Hon. Monster: Cookies!!! NOMNOMNOMNOMNOM!!!!!
A. Kapil: Objection your honor! This is blatent bribery!
Hon. Monster: NOMNOMNOM!!! Over- NOMNOMNOM!!! Ruled! NOMNOMNOMNOMNOM!!!
Exhibit D: Moving on I would like to draw your attention to Christmas' importance to the lagging United States economy. If Christmas can't pull us out of this slump then nothing can. With Christmas shopping in full swing as of today Christmas and it's spirit of giving promote fantastic sales. And the joy of opening Christmas presents: It's unparalleled! Everybody can remember their favorite Christmas present. Presents!
Exhibit E: Christmas Specials. Who doesn't love to watch It's a Wonderful Life, Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer, or A Christmas Story. Your favorite TV shows also will all have Christmas-centric episodes. The Fourth of July can't say that.
Basically, I feel that Christmas has all of the traditions, prestige, and warm fuzzies necessary to be the hands-down greatest of all holidays. There is an overwhelming momentum and power to Christmas that puts our entire nation into a better state of being. Christmas is a force to be reckoned with.
Hon. Monster: Thank You Jessica. Time for the Cross-Examination.
J. Hummel: Bring it on.
T. Short: Ms. Hummel, what does Christmas commemorate?
J. Hummel: The birth of Jesus.
T. Short: And how many times did you say Jesus in your opening statements?
J. Hummel: Well...zero.
T. Short: That's because Jesus, according to recent surveys, is not one of the five most recognizable symbols of Christmas. He has been usurped by Saint Nicholas. His own saint doing him in. Shame on Christmas.
J. Hummel: There's no shame in Christmas...
D. Fishman: I'll say Christmas has no shame at all. You said that everybody has a favorite Christmas memory or a favorite Christmas present. Well...what's mine?
J. Hummel: But Daniel...you're Jewish. You celebrate Hannukkah.
D. Fishman: I see...so Christmas is exclusive?
J. Hummel: Maybe a little...nature of the beast. But you could choose to celebrate it.
D. Fishman: That is just offensive.
M. Shelton: Don't you feel that Christmas has become too commercialized?
J. Hummel: No! And if you do maybe should go join Al-Queda you Commie pinko.
Hon. Monster: That ends the Cross-Examination. Next up is Earth Day. It will have it's case presented by Ed Begley Jr., actor from such TV shows as St. Elsewhere, Arrested Development, and Veronica Mars.
E. Begley: Thank you. Earth Day is becoming a more important holiday all the more with the path that our planet is heading down. Earth Day is a holiday that is truly about education. It's about educating the younger generations that are the movers and shakers and future of our planet. We have a planet in peril if I may be...

B. Stinson: Boring!

E. Begley: The plight of our planet is not boring.

S. Beattie: You're only here because you did a guest arc on Veronica Mars with Judge Bell. Earth Day is not a real holiday.

E. Begley: But look at Exhibit A (pictured) I have diagrams about the beauty of nature and why Earth Day is important.

B. Murray: Take your solar-powered hybrid and go home Begley, you're out of it.

E. Begley: This is ridiculous. Fuck youz guys.

Hon. Ferguson: All right, all right. Order in the Court. Obviously nobody wants to hear Begley blather on about Earth Day. Yes, our Earth is important but that does not mean that Earth Day is a legitimate holiday. I apologize for allowing it to sneak onto the agenda. Next we have Easter. It will have it's case presented by Sarah Beattie, a current senior at the University of Wisoconsin and a alumni of the Delta Gamma sorority.
S. Beattie: Thank you. I would like to take this time to talk to you about my favorite holiday: Easter. Much like Christmas has a significant amount of build-up with the Christmas season, so does Easter have a build-up. It's a period called Lent. It's the season that seperates the men from the boys and the ladies from the girls. It is a season built around self-improvment and empowerment. Easter makes people better people. Easter is the culmination of the Christian faith's most important season. That's right. Most important season. Don't believe me: ask the Vatican. Or whoever is running things with the Presbyterians or the Lutherans. And I will be the first to admit that Easter is a religious holiday which may lead some people to exclaim that it is exclusive to certain people in it's celebation. But I think you'll find that everybody celebrates Christmas in their own way. You don't have to be a veteran to go to a veteran's day parade and you don't have to be Christian to go to an Easter egg hunt. Everybody does it. And as far as Easter dinner goes Jews and Muslims aren't missing much because we're eating ham anyway. Ham needed a holiday so we were considerate and gave it Easter. But let's get down to business...

Exhibit A: Easter is a religious holiday and it commemorates an actual accomplishment. Christmas commemorates the birth of Jesus. Quite frankly that's an accomplishment that has been equalled by everyone here. Every person in this room was born. However, Easter commemorates Jesus rising from the dead. Who here has done that? And Groundhog's Day doesn't count. This is the pinnacle moment in Christianity. The moment when the souls of the world were saved from damnation so...a worthy celebration.

Exhibit B: Easter Eggs (pictured). Fabrege Eggs have nothing on Easter Eggs, except maybe resale value. Easter Eggs are colorful, ornate, and fun to make with the fam. Plus they are fun to search for. At Christmas your gifts are just given to you. Here you use your ingenuity to get some of them. I personally believe that gifts are a little better when you have to work for them, when you have to attain them through craftiness.

Exhibit C: The Easter Bunny. He's cute. A hell of a lot better figurehead for a holiday than an obese night prowler. Yeah, I'm talking about you Santa.

Exhibit D: There are a ton of great traditions involved with Easter. I know that my family always goes to my grandparents house in the desert. If you're from other countries you fly Bermuda kites or have sweet ass huge bonfires. If you don't have any Easter traditions then you're not celebrating hard enough.

Hon. Monster: Thank you, Sarah. Let us begin the Cross-Examination.

J. Hummel: Could you please tell me when Easter will be celebrated this year?
S. Beattie: I believe that would be around April 11th or 12th.

J. Hummel: And what date will you be celebrating it on in 2010?

S. Beattie: I don't know. The date jumps around from year to year.
J. Hummel: And don't you fine this lack of a standardized date a little inconvenient and difficult? For God's sake Easter doesn't even have a standardized month. Different branches of Christianity even celebrate it on different days.
S. Beattie: I think that the fluidity and diversity of Easter's date lends it a touch of class and originality.
M. Van Dellan: Can't we all agree that ham is awful?
S. Beattie: No.
R. O'Brien: Yes.
S. Beattie: Quit being an ass, Ray.
D. Boreanez: Isn't it universally agreed that pastels are unflattering.
S. Beattie: No!
D. Boreanez: Did you see Fergie at the Grammys?
S. Beattie: Yes.
D. Boreanez: And?
S. Beattie: She looked awful.
D. Boreanez: BooYa! You got lawyered!
Hon. Bell: That ends the Cross-Examination. Next on the docket we have Father's Day. It will have it's case presented by Daniel Fishman, a 2008 graduate of Georgetown University and current high school history teacher and football coach.
D. Fishman: Thank you. My favorite holiday is Father's Day, because it is the only day more than 5 individuals in the entire world ever think of Shawn Kemp on the same day. Except the 5 taco bell employees who provide him with a constant stream of Chalupas for sustenance, on which he lives. Furthermore, the man is the Tyrone Biggums of the NBA and...
Hon. Bell: Excuse me. Counselor Fishman, are you using this platform to rip on Counselor O'Brien by insulting his favorite childhood athlete?
D. Fishman: Yes.
Hon. Bell: Well, please stop that right now and attempt to put together a convincing argument for Father's Day as the greatest of holidays.
D. Fishman: Geez, I really didn't prepare for that. So what I guess I will do is talk about of the stellar qualities of my father and why he deserves to have a holiday commemorating his paternal characteristics. My father's name is Larry.
M.B. Mathews: Really? My Father's name is Larry!!
Hon. Ferguson: Counselor Mathews, it isn't your turn to speak yet.
D. Fishman: Actually, I'll allow it. Is your father balding?
M.B. Mathews: Yes!
D. Fishman: Do people have a hard time keeping a straight face when he gets angry because it's hilarious?
M.B. Mathews: They do! They do!
D. Fishman: Does he often champion the benefits of a good place to sit?
M.B. Mathews: All the time!
D. Fishman: Does he often dress awkwardly?
M.B. Mathews: Of course!
D. Fishman: Have you ever seen Larry Fishman and Larry Mathews in the same place at the same time?
M.B. Mathews: No. No I haven't!
D. Fishman: Then that's it. I proved it. Larry Fishman and Larry Mathews are the same person. It's a Father's Day miracle!
Hon. Bell: Ummm...OK.
D. Fishman: Fishman Out.
Hon. Monster: But the Cross-Examination...
D. Fishman: I said Fishman Out.
Hon. Monster: Alright, we move on to next holiday. Next holiday be Fourth of July. Have case presented by Erin Elizabeth Swietlik, yes. She Head of Young Alumni Giving at Xavier University.
E. Swietlik: Thank you. You are looking quite fancy today, your honor.
Hon. Monster: Thank you. That very kind.
E. Swietlik: While there are many great things that can be said about the Fourth of July, if I had to sum up it's greatness it one sentence: Jesus doesn't get fireworks. It's true. Fireworks are a definitive and extravagant show of affection that is reserved solely for America's birthday. And why not? America is pretty great. Land of the free. Home of the brave. Greatest country in the world. The Netherlands didn't give us the computer, the cheese curd, the automobile, or the chachke. America did. And it's birthday is one of the truest testaments to its greatest. Allow us to step back for a minute and take a look:
Exhibit A: Barbecue. Oh just thinking about it makes me wish it were the Fourth of July today instead of the lame ol' Twenty-Eighth of November. Ribs, Corn on the Cob, Burgers, Bratwurst, even carne asada. There are few things more American than barbecue. There are also few things more delicious. And coincidentally, there are also few things as delicious as America. Which brings us to...
Exhibit B: American Pride. American pride is something that can of coursingly be falunted 24/7/365 but on no day is it on such delicious display as on July 4th. There are parades, and patriotic signs and displays all across America. It is also a great day for the novelty miniature American flag manufacturers. Those things are waving all across our great land.