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November 28, 2008 - Happy Holidays Edition

Hello my Friends and Welcome Back to Friday Night Writes. Seeing as this is the Black Friday Edition of Friday Night Writes I feel that this is a very appropriate week to blog about the Holidays. You may be asking yourself: Self, how should we determine which is the greatest of the Holidays? I will tell your self how you settle it. You take advantage of the fact that America has the greatest Court System in the World. I'm talking Innocent Until Proven Guilty and Trial by One's Peers. Let us take advantage of the American Legal System. However, I think that this is such an important debate that it will be moved directly to a Supreme court: The Supremely Awesome Court. Each Holiday will be allowed to have an advocate of the Holiday express their opening statements and then a cross examination will follow. After each of the 15 Holidays present has had their case The Supreme Court will poll itself and the greatest of Holidays will be crowned. So without further ado...

Holiday Court

Let us meet the panel of Judges that make up The Supremely Awesome Court:

Honorable Judge Craig Ferguson - Host of the Late Late Show

Honorable Judge Kristen Bell - Star of Veronica Mars, Heroes, and Forgetting Sara Marshall

Honorable Judge Cookie Monster - Member of Seaseme Street and connaisseur of fine cookies

These three are known for their impartiality and general awesomeness. They will present us with their awesome ruling and we will know what the best Holiday truly is. They have deemed that Holiday's should present themselves in alphabetical rather than cronilogical order so let us begin.

Hon. Bell: First up is April Fool's Day. It will have it's case presented by Bill Murray, the star of such films as Caddyshack, Ghostbusters, and Lost in Translation. Your opening statements Mr. Murray.

B.Murray: Thank you. April Fool's Day, while not admittedly a national holiday in many countries which celebrate it, is a day that is celebrated on April 1st throughout the world. The genious of this holiday is that celebrates the aim of embarrassing the gullible and naive. It exposes the absurdity of IQ inflation. It is a holiday that can be tailormade to fit a person's need. One can play hoaxes or practical jokes of varying sophistication on friends, family, neighbors, enemies, professors, students, waitresses, paperboys, or strangers. You'd think people would put their guard up on April 1st but they often don't. Every year hundreds of millions of Americans leave themselves prone to April Fool's Day hoaxes. I would like to present some of the best so we can have a full appreciation.

Exhibit A: The Taco Liberty Bell. 1996. Taco Bell announces that it has purchased the Liberty Bell and re-named it. When thousands of angry citizens become enraged the White House press secretary plays along and states that it will also be selling the rights to the Lincoln Mercury Memorial.

Exhibit B: The Left-Handed Whopper. 1998. Burger King advertises a left-handed Whopper with the ingredients rotated 180 degrees for left-handed Americans. Over 10,000 are ordered and many customers specify they want the right-handed Whopper.

Exhibit C: Arm the Homeless. 1999. The Phoenix New Times reports that a charity group is sponsoring an initiative to help the homeless by arming them with firearms and ammunition to protect them from a rash of beatings. Despite the ridiculousness of it the Associated Press gets hold of it and their is short-term panic.

Exhibit D: Drunk Driving on the Internet. 1994. PC Computing published an article stating that as Congress has deemed the Internet the Information Super Highway you will not be allowed to drink and surf the web. The Bill, SB 040194 (04/01/94), was to be sponsored by Ted Kennedy, whose office was flooded with outraged calls. Good, the guy is an asshole.

Exhibit E: The Derbyshire Fairy. 2007. Dan Baines perpetrated the hoax surrounding the body of an 8-inch mummified creature (pictured) found near a rural road in Derbyshire. Tens of thousands bit on the hoax and several still maintain that the fairy's status as a hoax is a government cover-up. Conspiracy suckers. The easiest April Fool's Day marks.
In conclusion April Fool's Day is a day that brings the unites the world together in the common goal of making others look like idiots. It also provides people with a second chance and allows you to immediately take back ignorant or incendiary statements by following them with "April Fools".
Hon. Ferguson: Thank you Mr. Murray. Time for the Cross-Examination.

J. Hummel: Mr. Murray, isn't it true that unlike Christmas, April Fool's Day has no official colors and you merely decorated it in red and blue at random?

B.Murray: This is not correct. I selected those colors from the Movie April Fool's Day.

M. Van Dellan: The terrible 1986 Version?

B. Murray: No...the new 2009 Version starring me, Natalie Portman, Tom Hanks, and Osama Bin Laden.

M.B. Mathews: Really?!?

B. Murray: April Fools! See? No...the 2008 Direct-to-Video version.

R. O'Brien: I would like to object to the fact that April Fool's is still a successful enterprise. I don't think that people are as gullible as they once were.

B.Murray: Didn't your mother call the La Canada City Council on April 1st, 2008 to protest a Hooters that was being put into the Sport Chalet Center.

R. O'Brien: Objection withdrawn.

B. Stinson: Sir, are you not also an advocate for the Holiday known as Groundhog's Day?

B.Murray: I would like to take the fifth.

Hon. Bell: That ends the Cross-Examination. Next up is Christmas Eve/Day. It will have its case presented by Jessica Hummel, a 2008 graduate of Cal Poly San Luis Obispo with a degree in Nutrition. Your opening statements Ms. Hummel.

J. Hummel: Gracias y Feliz Navidad. The case for Christmas is an easy one. Christmas is the holiday that has made it's mark on western culture more so than any other holiday. We have Christmas Shopping, Christmas Specials, Christmas lights, Christmas music, and Christmas trees. Christmas has it all. Christmas is also more than just a day. It's an entire season based around family and love and good will toward men. It's a time to be swept away with feelings of giving and generosity. The reason that Christmas has such a substantial hold on our culture is we are profoundly affected by it as children. Everybody has Christmas memories and for most of us, sans Ebineezer Scrooge, they are good memories. And why not? What's not to like?
Exhibit A: Christmas Music. What wonderful music it is. As the Christmas Season approaches with the dawn of December radio stations will start playing Christmas songs and people will start listening. Not me. I listen all year round. Such great songs. "Let It Snow!", "Last Christmas", "Carol of the Bells", "Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer." And no matter who your favorite artist is: Everybody has a Christmas album. But Christmas songs aren't just for the radio and holiday CDs. They promote caroling. Yeah!
Exhibit B: Decorations. Halloween is the only holiday that can even come close to the elaboratness of Christmas's decoration set-up and even it falls short. Plus Halloween decorations are ugly. Christmas decorations are aesthetically pleasing and designed to bring cheer. You have the Christmas tree as the center of all decorations with its colored lights, ornaments, tinsel, and topper. The family gets to bond around decorating the tree and putting up ornaments filled with memories. There are also wreathes and stockings and jinglebells, oh my!
Exhibit C: Everybody knows that C is for Christmas Cookies. Look at these delicious cookies. We've got gingerbread cookies and cookies in the shapes of Santa, trees, and angels. Some are decorated with frosting. Would you mind holding these for me Honorable Judge Monster.
Hon. Monster: Cookies!!! NOMNOMNOMNOMNOM!!!!!
A. Kapil: Objection your honor! This is blatent bribery!
Hon. Monster: NOMNOMNOM!!! Over- NOMNOMNOM!!! Ruled! NOMNOMNOMNOMNOM!!!
Exhibit D: Moving on I would like to draw your attention to Christmas' importance to the lagging United States economy. If Christmas can't pull us out of this slump then nothing can. With Christmas shopping in full swing as of today Christmas and it's spirit of giving promote fantastic sales. And the joy of opening Christmas presents: It's unparalleled! Everybody can remember their favorite Christmas present. Presents!
Exhibit E: Christmas Specials. Who doesn't love to watch It's a Wonderful Life, Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer, or A Christmas Story. Your favorite TV shows also will all have Christmas-centric episodes. The Fourth of July can't say that.
Basically, I feel that Christmas has all of the traditions, prestige, and warm fuzzies necessary to be the hands-down greatest of all holidays. There is an overwhelming momentum and power to Christmas that puts our entire nation into a better state of being. Christmas is a force to be reckoned with.
Hon. Monster: Thank You Jessica. Time for the Cross-Examination.
J. Hummel: Bring it on.
T. Short: Ms. Hummel, what does Christmas commemorate?
J. Hummel: The birth of Jesus.
T. Short: And how many times did you say Jesus in your opening statements?
J. Hummel: Well...zero.
T. Short: That's because Jesus, according to recent surveys, is not one of the five most recognizable symbols of Christmas. He has been usurped by Saint Nicholas. His own saint doing him in. Shame on Christmas.
J. Hummel: There's no shame in Christmas...
D. Fishman: I'll say Christmas has no shame at all. You said that everybody has a favorite Christmas memory or a favorite Christmas present. Well...what's mine?
J. Hummel: But Daniel...you're Jewish. You celebrate Hannukkah.
D. Fishman: I see...so Christmas is exclusive?
J. Hummel: Maybe a little...nature of the beast. But you could choose to celebrate it.
D. Fishman: That is just offensive.
M. Shelton: Don't you feel that Christmas has become too commercialized?
J. Hummel: No! And if you do maybe should go join Al-Queda you Commie pinko.
Hon. Monster: That ends the Cross-Examination. Next up is Earth Day. It will have it's case presented by Ed Begley Jr., actor from such TV shows as St. Elsewhere, Arrested Development, and Veronica Mars.
E. Begley: Thank you. Earth Day is becoming a more important holiday all the more with the path that our planet is heading down. Earth Day is a holiday that is truly about education. It's about educating the younger generations that are the movers and shakers and future of our planet. We have a planet in peril if I may be...

B. Stinson: Boring!

E. Begley: The plight of our planet is not boring.

S. Beattie: You're only here because you did a guest arc on Veronica Mars with Judge Bell. Earth Day is not a real holiday.

E. Begley: But look at Exhibit A (pictured) I have diagrams about the beauty of nature and why Earth Day is important.

B. Murray: Take your solar-powered hybrid and go home Begley, you're out of it.

E. Begley: This is ridiculous. Fuck youz guys.

Hon. Ferguson: All right, all right. Order in the Court. Obviously nobody wants to hear Begley blather on about Earth Day. Yes, our Earth is important but that does not mean that Earth Day is a legitimate holiday. I apologize for allowing it to sneak onto the agenda. Next we have Easter. It will have it's case presented by Sarah Beattie, a current senior at the University of Wisoconsin and a alumni of the Delta Gamma sorority.
S. Beattie: Thank you. I would like to take this time to talk to you about my favorite holiday: Easter. Much like Christmas has a significant amount of build-up with the Christmas season, so does Easter have a build-up. It's a period called Lent. It's the season that seperates the men from the boys and the ladies from the girls. It is a season built around self-improvment and empowerment. Easter makes people better people. Easter is the culmination of the Christian faith's most important season. That's right. Most important season. Don't believe me: ask the Vatican. Or whoever is running things with the Presbyterians or the Lutherans. And I will be the first to admit that Easter is a religious holiday which may lead some people to exclaim that it is exclusive to certain people in it's celebation. But I think you'll find that everybody celebrates Christmas in their own way. You don't have to be a veteran to go to a veteran's day parade and you don't have to be Christian to go to an Easter egg hunt. Everybody does it. And as far as Easter dinner goes Jews and Muslims aren't missing much because we're eating ham anyway. Ham needed a holiday so we were considerate and gave it Easter. But let's get down to business...

Exhibit A: Easter is a religious holiday and it commemorates an actual accomplishment. Christmas commemorates the birth of Jesus. Quite frankly that's an accomplishment that has been equalled by everyone here. Every person in this room was born. However, Easter commemorates Jesus rising from the dead. Who here has done that? And Groundhog's Day doesn't count. This is the pinnacle moment in Christianity. The moment when the souls of the world were saved from damnation so...a worthy celebration.

Exhibit B: Easter Eggs (pictured). Fabrege Eggs have nothing on Easter Eggs, except maybe resale value. Easter Eggs are colorful, ornate, and fun to make with the fam. Plus they are fun to search for. At Christmas your gifts are just given to you. Here you use your ingenuity to get some of them. I personally believe that gifts are a little better when you have to work for them, when you have to attain them through craftiness.

Exhibit C: The Easter Bunny. He's cute. A hell of a lot better figurehead for a holiday than an obese night prowler. Yeah, I'm talking about you Santa.

Exhibit D: There are a ton of great traditions involved with Easter. I know that my family always goes to my grandparents house in the desert. If you're from other countries you fly Bermuda kites or have sweet ass huge bonfires. If you don't have any Easter traditions then you're not celebrating hard enough.

Hon. Monster: Thank you, Sarah. Let us begin the Cross-Examination.

J. Hummel: Could you please tell me when Easter will be celebrated this year?
S. Beattie: I believe that would be around April 11th or 12th.

J. Hummel: And what date will you be celebrating it on in 2010?

S. Beattie: I don't know. The date jumps around from year to year.
J. Hummel: And don't you fine this lack of a standardized date a little inconvenient and difficult? For God's sake Easter doesn't even have a standardized month. Different branches of Christianity even celebrate it on different days.
S. Beattie: I think that the fluidity and diversity of Easter's date lends it a touch of class and originality.
M. Van Dellan: Can't we all agree that ham is awful?
S. Beattie: No.
R. O'Brien: Yes.
S. Beattie: Quit being an ass, Ray.
D. Boreanez: Isn't it universally agreed that pastels are unflattering.
S. Beattie: No!
D. Boreanez: Did you see Fergie at the Grammys?
S. Beattie: Yes.
D. Boreanez: And?
S. Beattie: She looked awful.
D. Boreanez: BooYa! You got lawyered!
Hon. Bell: That ends the Cross-Examination. Next on the docket we have Father's Day. It will have it's case presented by Daniel Fishman, a 2008 graduate of Georgetown University and current high school history teacher and football coach.
D. Fishman: Thank you. My favorite holiday is Father's Day, because it is the only day more than 5 individuals in the entire world ever think of Shawn Kemp on the same day. Except the 5 taco bell employees who provide him with a constant stream of Chalupas for sustenance, on which he lives. Furthermore, the man is the Tyrone Biggums of the NBA and...
Hon. Bell: Excuse me. Counselor Fishman, are you using this platform to rip on Counselor O'Brien by insulting his favorite childhood athlete?
D. Fishman: Yes.
Hon. Bell: Well, please stop that right now and attempt to put together a convincing argument for Father's Day as the greatest of holidays.
D. Fishman: Geez, I really didn't prepare for that. So what I guess I will do is talk about of the stellar qualities of my father and why he deserves to have a holiday commemorating his paternal characteristics. My father's name is Larry.
M.B. Mathews: Really? My Father's name is Larry!!
Hon. Ferguson: Counselor Mathews, it isn't your turn to speak yet.
D. Fishman: Actually, I'll allow it. Is your father balding?
M.B. Mathews: Yes!
D. Fishman: Do people have a hard time keeping a straight face when he gets angry because it's hilarious?
M.B. Mathews: They do! They do!
D. Fishman: Does he often champion the benefits of a good place to sit?
M.B. Mathews: All the time!
D. Fishman: Does he often dress awkwardly?
M.B. Mathews: Of course!
D. Fishman: Have you ever seen Larry Fishman and Larry Mathews in the same place at the same time?
M.B. Mathews: No. No I haven't!
D. Fishman: Then that's it. I proved it. Larry Fishman and Larry Mathews are the same person. It's a Father's Day miracle!
Hon. Bell: Ummm...OK.
D. Fishman: Fishman Out.
Hon. Monster: But the Cross-Examination...
D. Fishman: I said Fishman Out.
Hon. Monster: Alright, we move on to next holiday. Next holiday be Fourth of July. Have case presented by Erin Elizabeth Swietlik, yes. She Head of Young Alumni Giving at Xavier University.
E. Swietlik: Thank you. You are looking quite fancy today, your honor.
Hon. Monster: Thank you. That very kind.
E. Swietlik: While there are many great things that can be said about the Fourth of July, if I had to sum up it's greatness it one sentence: Jesus doesn't get fireworks. It's true. Fireworks are a definitive and extravagant show of affection that is reserved solely for America's birthday. And why not? America is pretty great. Land of the free. Home of the brave. Greatest country in the world. The Netherlands didn't give us the computer, the cheese curd, the automobile, or the chachke. America did. And it's birthday is one of the truest testaments to its greatest. Allow us to step back for a minute and take a look:
Exhibit A: Barbecue. Oh just thinking about it makes me wish it were the Fourth of July today instead of the lame ol' Twenty-Eighth of November. Ribs, Corn on the Cob, Burgers, Bratwurst, even carne asada. There are few things more American than barbecue. There are also few things more delicious. And coincidentally, there are also few things as delicious as America. Which brings us to...
Exhibit B: American Pride. American pride is something that can of coursingly be falunted 24/7/365 but on no day is it on such delicious display as on July 4th. There are parades, and patriotic signs and displays all across America. It is also a great day for the novelty miniature American flag manufacturers. Those things are waving all across our great land.

November 21, 2008 -- Better Home Edition

Hei og Mottakelse Mine venner. In this Edition of Friday Night Writes I will be debating the pros and cons of whether it is better to live in my hometown of Los Angeles or my current residence of Cincinnati. I'm currently in Cincinnati but will be going home for Thanksgiving next week which got to me thinking that I should do a city to city comparison as I tend to identify myself heavily with each of these two fine urban metropoli. I'm going to look at all of the factors (14 in total) that make a city great, talk about my favorite people, places, and things in each and issue a final ruling by the end. I hope you enjoy this post which will be slightly shorter than the last two and be sure to tune in next week when I will have a special guest blogger. Here goes:

Weather

Los Angeles: This seems like a slam dunk for Los Angeles, right? Not so fast. Let's take a better look. Temperatures rarely drop below 50 degrees (all temperatures Fahrenheit) and tend to lurk in the 80s for most of the year in this Mediterranean climate. The city experiences various microclimates and can expect rainfall in the winter and spring months. There has not been significant snowfall in the Los Angeles valley since 1932. Included in the "weather", we are going to have to detract from Los Angeles for it's significant layer of smog. It has gotten so bad that it is referred to as the Valley of the Smoke. Let us also keep in mind that Los Angeles' placement on the San Andreas fault puts it into precarious Earthquake territory which also factors into "weather" as a force of nature. Also, the dryness of the summer months will produce annual forest fires that cause significant damage every year and are fed by Los Angeles' Santa Ana winds.

Cincinnati: Cincinnati's weather can be summed up in one word: unpredictable. The old saying goes that if you're in Cincinnati and you don't like the weather, you should just wait an hour. An overtly humid area, Cincinnati features temperatures that range from 87 degrees to 21 degrees on average. Precipitation is very evenly distributed and snowfall tends to reach 23 inches annually mainly during the winter months but usually starting in mid-November and lasting until Late March or Early April. Cincinnati also is never prepared for snow and its first significant snowfall of the season will produce major traffic delays and school and business closings. As the remanants of Hurricane Ike showed, Cincinnati is capable of violent winds as well which can lead to power outages and cause severe damage.

In Summation: I like colder weather (+ Cincinnati). Smog and Forest Fires are bad (+ Cincinnati). I like snow (+ Cincinnati). I can appreciate 90 degrees and an ocean breeze (+ Los Angeles). I like to be able to plan my days with consistent, predictable weather (+ Los Angeles). I don't own a jacket (+ Los Angeles). Driving in snow sucks (+ Los Angeles). Snow days are awesome (+ Cincinnati).
Result = Push (Cincinnati: 1/2 Los Angeles: 1/2)

Cityscape

Los Angeles: The City of Angels possesses quite an impressive cityscape. Downtown Los Angeles features the financial district and the Byzantine Latino Quarter. It has Hollywood and its film industry hub with countless tourist traps (i.e. Kodak Theatre, Walk of Fame, City Walk). Beverly Hills provides high class shopping for the fashionistas. There are even different beaches for different crowds. Manhattan Beach is for surfers and volleyball players. Newport Beach is for swimmers and sunbathers. Venice Beach is for jocks and bodybuilders. Santa Monica beach is for families and tourists. Let us not forget the Valley with Burbank, Encino, and Glendale. Then there are the more "urban" areas of Compton, South Central, and Ladeira Heights. You've got the college town of Westwood. There's also Chinatown, Koreatown, Little Ethiopia, and several other ethnic areas. Los Angeles also boasts numerous other famous landmarks. Some of the most notable include: the Hollywood sign, Olvera Street, Walt Disney Concert Hall, the Getty Center, Grauman's Chinese Theatre, the Capitol Records Tower, and the Staples Center.

Cincinnati: The Queen City also possesses a cityscape that is nothing to scoff at. Downtown Cincinnati features bars, eateries, and places of entertainment as well as the business district. You have the Riverfront complete with parks and all three of Cincinnati's pro stadiums. You have the classy yuppie bar and shopping scene of Mount Adams and the upscale areas of Hyde Park and Walnut Hills. There are also lower socio-economic areas such as Evanston, North Avondale, and Over-the-Rhine. College hubs in Clifton and Norwood are in a current state of flux. Happening night life and commerical centers can be found in Kenwood and across the river in Newport. Cincinnati also features a variety of landmarks. Some of the most notable include: The Freedom Center, Paul Brown Stadium, Carew Tower, Fountain Square, the Aranoff Center, Riverfront Park, and Newport on the Levee.

In Summation: Beaches are nice to have (+Los Angeles). City Walk is always a good time (+ Los Angeles). Hollywood (+ Los Angeles). Burbank (+ Los Angeles). The Ohio River and Riverfront Park are amazing (+ Cincinnati). Downtown should be fun and industirous (+ Cincinnati). Newport is great (+ Cincinnati). Great landscapes should have bridges (+ Cincinnati).
Result = Los Angeles (Los Angeles: 1 1/2 Cincinnati: 1/2)

Aesthetic

Los Angeles: Aesthetic is along the same grounds as cityscape but slightly different. Los Angeles obviously has some beautious areas. Santa Monica and Malibu are picturesque. Burbank is nice and clean. It has wonderful natural habitats such as the Angeles Crest Forest. However, I think it must be faced that there are also some very trashy parts of Los Angeles. East Los Angeles is quite polluted and half of the beaches can't be used for swimming due to dumping. Long Beach is a regular trash trove and the entire county has major problems with smog and congestion. The Pacific Coast Highway is beautiful but all of the best parts are closer to Santa Barbara. When taking into account a city's aesthetic I feel like it has to be partially judged from it's best angle. The most beautiful view of Los Angeles can be seen facing West from the Scholl Canyon mountains at Twilight. If there isn't much smog you can see all the way to the ocean. You get a view of the entire Western county and it is breathtaking. However, if you're looking too far to the Northwest you'll see a landfill. So...as you can see it's a mixed bag.

Cincinnati: Cincinnati is a city with a very nice aesthetic if you know where to look. The Mount Adams area is absolutely gorgeous. It has tons of parks, botanical gardens, and lakes as well as great viewing areas in the hills to look out over the city of Cincinnati or into the forests of northern Kentucky. The air pollution in Cincinnati is minimal though areas such as North Avondale and College Hill are eyesores and polluted. However, the Riverfront has cleaned up well in the last couple years and Riverfront park has become a gorgeous, serviceable area. The most beautiful view of Cincinnati is from the hills of Fort Mitchell near where they part for the I-71 as it comes into Cincinnati from the Airport in Covington. This view by night makes the city look very alive and majestic.

In Summation: Pollution and Smog is ugly (+ Cincinnati). Beaches are scenic (+ Los Angeles). Polluted beaches are extra ugly (+Cincinnati). The Hills of Laguna Beach (+ Los Angeles). The Hills of Mount Adams (+ Cincinnati). Riverfront Park (+ Cincinnati). Long Beach is a no-no (+ Cincinnati). The Pacific Coast Highway (+ Los Angeles).
Result = Cincinnati (Cincinnati: 1 1/2 Los Angeles: 1 1/2)

Transportation

Los Angeles: I can try and argue both sides of close battles but this one is a true travesty. There is almost nothing redeeming about the state of transportation in Los Angeles. Los Angeles does have a bus system, subway, and light rail system. However, ridership of Mass Transit in Los Angeles is at 11% and the majority of that is the bus. Los Angeles subway (if it can be called that) has a route milage of 17.4 miles for the largest Metropolitan area in the U.S. New York (the second largest) has 243 route miles. The bus system is disorganized, fractured, and always off schedule. LAX is a mess of an airport with planes featuring delays more often than not. However, the worst aspect of Los Angeles transportation is the traffic. You need a car to get around in LA but even if you have a car you will be spending forever commuting to work as LA's freeway system is innefficient and features a domino effect in which an accident on one freeway will adversely effect traffic within a five mile stretch to any connecting freeway. And the 405 always seems to be a bad joke, accident or no accident.

Cincinnati: Whereas you need a car to be relevant in Los Angeles it is forseeable that you could operate sans a car in Cincinnati. I did it for three months and while it's not the most fun experience it is passable and effective. The bus system in Cincinnati is affordable, clean, on time, and allows you to get almost anywhere in the county with only one transfer required. The city has even coordinated with the Transit Authority of Northern Kentucky (TANK) so that you can simplify travel when you're going across the river. If you have a car you are in luck because the roads and freeways are much more efficient and less prone to traffic. The CVG Airport is also much more organized than LAX. Check-in is easier and food, duty free, and other purchase options are more plentiful once you get into the terminal. The one downside is that if you are riding the bus in Cincinnati there are a very disproportionate number of people wearing eyepatches riding with you. Just an observation.

In Summation: Clean, Convenient Public Transport is desired (+ Cincinnati). Being able to get across town in less than an hour is preferable (+ Cincinnati). Coordinated public transport is a plus (+ Cincinnati). A river that can actually sustain boats for transport (+ Cincinnati). A Harbor (+ Los Angeles). Accessible and Convenient Airport (+ Cincinnati).
Result = Cincinnati (Cincinnati: 2 1/2 Los Angeles: 1 1/2)

November 14, 2008 - The True Golden Age of Television Edition

Hola, mis amigos. It has recently dawned on me that I watch a lot of television. This was not always the case. Up until around 2002 or so I had never actually bothered to tune into a show on a regular basis. Even as the decade wore in on until about 2005 I really didn’t bother much with TV because most of it (or at least most of the network TV that comprised what was available to me) was trash. It was not worthy of my time and effort. Sure, there was some good TV. I will admit that Seinfeld was a revolutionary show that when it hit its stride was the funniest show on television. Buffy the Vampire Slayer was another classic show that will go down as one of the all-time greats. However, these were gems that the average viewer had to sift through the garbage to find.

Old-timers would often reminisce fondly about what is referred to as The Golden Age of Television. This “Golden Age” that they refer to lasted from 1949-1961 and saw the birth of iconic shows such as I Love Lucy, The Twilight Zone, and The Jack Benny Show. I in no way intend to disrespect these shows. They were great in their time and have had a profound influence on television to this day, but when compared to today’s great television I feel that not only have these shows been surpassed in terms of special effects and dazzle but they have been surpassed in the dynamic of storytelling. I am going to make the argument that we are currently living in the true “Golden Age of Television” without even knowing it. Here are some of the shows on TV right now that I think are changing the face of television and the similar shows that could learn something from their higher quality counterparts:

5 Shows That Are Changing Television Right Now and What Others Could Learn from Them

WARNING: There will most certainly be SPOILERS in this post. So if you think you might want to pick up one of these shows, (and I highly recommend it) you might not want to read about it.

1. Lost (ABC)

Lost has become the face of television’s most exciting new development: the serial drama. Serialized television isn’t exactly a new thing but it has gained much more wide-spread appeal with the advent of DVR and DVDs that allow viewers to watch every episode of a show even if they can’t commit to sitting down every week and watching it during its timeslot. That’s why Lost may only be the 12th highest-rated show on television but it is the most recorded show on television. Also , Lost has it even tougher than other serialized dramas because Lost is one of the few shows where you absolutely, positively cannot miss an episode and expect to be able to follow the plot of the next episode. Too much change happens in any given episode. And that fluidity is part of what makes Lost great.

Lost actually has a lot of things going for it. Its format was something unlike we had ever seen before. It refused to focus on a central character but rather had character centric episodes in which we switched off between events that were happening on the island and the events of a given character’s past. Sometimes the shocking revelations came in a new mysterious aspect of the island on which Oceanic 815 had crash landed and sometimes they came from the flashbacks in which are conceptions of a character were shattered due to new information presented in their past. Twenty-eight characters have had flashbacks to date and for three seasons we knew that every episode was to be accompanied by a flashback. That was until the Season Three finale when they lulled us into thinking that we were watching a Jack-centric flashback only to reveal in the final minutes that we were watching: a Jack-centric flash-forward! Off the Island! It was at that point we realized that certain promises (a commitment to flashbacks) were never made but that new ones (they will get off the island) would change the direction of the show.

Another Lost bonus is that every character is both likeable and dislikeable. On any other show you would watch there is a fan favorite and a despised antagonist/malcontent. Lost really doesn’t have much of either. Mass polling shows that Desmond is technically the fan favorite (with 10.6% of the vote) but there are large contingencies of people who love and hate almost every character. There is not even an acceptable consensus on which way the show’s Jack-Kate-Sawyer love triangle should go. That’s more than you can say for Grey’s Anatomy or The O.C. But the best part of Lost’s characters is that they are all damaged goods. Nobody wants to see regular people on television. I can go to the park or the gym for that. I want to see a ragtag group of people with daddy issues (Jack, Locke, Sun), haunted killers (Sawyer, Kate, Sayid), or people mourning tremendous loss (Eko, Shannon, Ana Lucia).

Lost flat-out has what it takes to keep viewers watching. It ropes you in with a slew of mysteries that puzzle the imagination. What monster is lurking in the woods? What did Kate do to become a fugitive? How did Locke become disabled? Who are the Others? People often complain that Lost is unwilling to shell out answers to its greatest mysteries and that whenever it does pull a big reveal it always accompanied by more questions. Quite frankly, I say that that is good storytelling. Lost always does deliver what it promises though. If you go back and watch the first episode I am sure you’ll find that they’ve answered every question you had. We now know what killed the pilot. We now know why their plane crashed. Lost has shown that it knows where it’s going and it promises to reveal all even if it wants to take it’s time in doing so.

However, the thing that makes Lost possibly the most special show on TV is that it lives to defy your conventions and expectations. Sure, it has a great cast of characters that you get attached to on a personal level. But the greatest thing about these characters is that most of them could die at any second. Charlie Pace, Boone Carlisle, Danielle Rousseau, Shannon Rutherford, and Mr. Eko are all prime examples of that. Sometimes, they even kill off two main characters in the span of 30 seconds. The initial pilot script had them killing off Jack in the first episode just to stick it to convention. You can tell me that there are certain characters that they won’t kill off at this point (i.e. Jack and Kate) but I’ll tell you that you didn’t think they’d kill Ana Lucia or Alex when they did, and that everybody is fair game.

Pretender to the Throne: Heroes (NBC)

I don’t want you to get me wrong. I love Heroes. I think that it does some amazing things and creates some amazing characters. I just think that it has a lot to learn about being a serialized drama. It has taken on quite a risky but worthwhile endeavor in its third season and is experimenting with a nifty moral conundrum: Are we all capable of being heroes and villains? We are starting to see former heroes become villains (Peter, Suresh, and future Claire) and former villains become heroes (Sylar, Elle, Meredith). However, in order to do so Heroes has once again turned to the all-mighty plot device of time travel. Unlike most people I don't think that you can overuse time travel but I think that you have to obey certain rules of time travel. Heroes has misused it and in a way they may have jeopardized the trust of viewers.

Serialized dramas depend upon a viewer's faith in believing that the writers and creators can see the forest through the trees. I no longer believe that Heroes can do this. They have under-written themselves too many times during this third season in order to let believe that they will faithfully resolve all of them. Let me share a few examples:

• Hiro sees himself being killed by Ando in the future and Angela sees him being killed by Sylar, Knox, and Tracy in the future. Chance of clean resolution: 70%
• Nikki had a sister (Jessica) who was killed by their abusive dad and who has become her super-powered alter ego and Nikki was one of three triplets (also Tracy and Barbara) who were genetically altered to have super powers. Chance of clean resolution: 35%
• Sylar kills Dale Smither and acquires Superhuman hearing and Noah Bennett attempts to broker a deal with Stephen Canfield to kill Sylar with Sylar standing in the near vicinity without Sylar hearing them. Chance of clean resolution: 95%
• The Haitian possesses power negation and Nathan flies away from Noah and the Haitian when they come to capture him at a cafe in Las Vegas. Chance of a clean resolution: 2%
  
  

In Scenario 1 Heroes fails to recognize that by bringing in the Butterfly Effect they have committed to the notion of linear time and therefore Angela's future and Hiro's future should be identical. However, there exists the strong possibility that Hiro saw something that wasn't really what he thought he saw and he was not actually killed by Ando so this may be resolved. In Scenario 2 Heroes has ret-conned the presence of Nikki Sanders and replaced her with two other sisters. This seems like too big of a mistake for Heroes to not address so I will have faith that their is a suitable explanation but it is difficult to see their explanation not being messy. In Scenarios 3 and 4 Heroes has chosen a selective use of when their characters will have the benifit of powers that they possess. Regarding Scenario 3 it has been implied that Sylar may have lost all acquired powers other than Telekinesis when he contracted the Shanti virus and that would explain his lack of superhuman hearing, however, Scenario 4 appears to simply be a mistake that the writers neglected to account for and likely will never be properly explained unless we discover a wrinkle in the Haitian's powers.

Heroes also has possibly introduced too many characters and now comes to the awkward yet delightful juncture of killing off some of these characters. For it is better to kill them off than to forget about them completly as they have obviously done with West Rosen, Caitlin, Audrey Hansen, and others. However, what they need to carefully do is determine the who, why, and how of the characters that are going to mee their demise. They can't just go off and kill characters because they need the space. Characters deaths should make sense. There should be a purpose to them. They also need to make the deaths sting a little more. When Heroes has killed off characters in the past we have seen very little sadness or remorse from the other characters and they appear to be coping quite well. Isaac and Eden died without much ado at all. Even D.L. and Niki, who were two of the more likeable characters and whose deaths should have been met with the most heartbreak because they have a young son, met their fates without much vibrado. Heroes also often kills off characters (Noah, Nathan, Claire, Ando) only to bring them back which detracts from our perception of loss. They also need to be careful about which characters they kill off. Heroes has monumentally undersold its best characters. Claire and Hiro have become the faces of the show because they are loveable characters. That doesn't make them the most interesting. Heroes should add additional focus to the two most complicated characters in their arsenal: Sylar and Elle. Every scene with these two is a treat because the characters are so rich and conflicted. They are two characters that you can't afford to lose because they have so much to offer. Two other characters that many might think are expendible but I think should also receive additional focus are Parkman and Ando. I definetly think that Parkman's abilities are only beginning to show how deep and rich they are with possibility. However, I would agree that his death would afford the show the tragic loss it needs, if they played their cards correctly. I also think that Ando needs to be used more as the dynamic between him and Hiro as best friends, one of which controls tremendous power and the other no powers to speak of, is something that carries tremendous psychological implications. Heroes can steady its ship but it needs to keep its eye on the ball and choose wisely.

2. The Shield (FX)

The Shield, which comes to an end in this its seventh season, has redefined the TV cop drama the way that the slam dunk redefined basketball. Shows like Dragnet, Hill Street Blues, and NYPD Blue taught us that cops were there to serve and to protect. It taught us that they would catch the bad guys and lock them up where they belong. The Shield told us that maybe sometimes the cops are worse than those that they lock up. The Shield introduced us to Vic Mackey (Michael Chiklis), one of the toughest, most conflilcted, maniacal, Machavellian powerhouses television has ever seen. For the better part of seven seasons he and his Strike Team brokered drug deals, started turf wars, stole from the mob, and even murdered their own in this Tour de Force show. However, they weren't evil in the same way that so many other TV villians had been. They were loving fathers and devoted friends who using a twisted brand of logic were convinced that they were making the world a better place. They never were content to let innocent people suffer for thier crimes (though that doesn't mean it didn't happen, it often did). The scary thing about these bad guys though was that you found yourself cheering for them. You always hoped they would get away with it, that they wouldn't get caught. Which showed us that maybe the protagonist isn't the good guy and the antagonist isn't the bad guy. Maybe these things depend more on what lens your perspective comes from.

The Shield has managed to bring to death what both the aforementioned Lost and Heroes have been unable to do. Lost, for all of its love of bucking convention, was unable to kill off Jack in the first episode because the writers were told that it was a betrayal to the viewers to have them put all their stake in a character that wasn't going to be around for any notable length of time. Rather, The Shield did what only its HBO predecessor Oz had done before when killing off Dino Ortolani. Market a character as a, or even the, character and then kill him off at the end of the very first episode. When The Shield was first being marketed it was alleged to be a cop drama starring Michael Chiklis and Reed Diamond. Both did a good deal of promotion for it and were reputed to be the stars which is why it came as quite a shock to the audience when Chiklis shot Diamond in the face at the end of the pilot. This set a serious precident from the beginning of the series: that there were no precidents that would be followed.

Unlike Heroes, deaths on The Shield come with a significant amount of backlash. The death of Terry Crowley (Diamond) was a major plot point that continues to be a factor well into the final season. However, probably the most notable and important death in the history of the show was that of Curtis "Lem" Lemansky. Lem had grown to be one of the show's most popular characters and was the member of the Strike Team who was the most morally grounded. So when he had a live grenade dropped in his lap by fellow Strike Team member Shane Vendrell in the show's fifth season, shit hit the fan. Every character on the show (including killer Shane) was torn up over Lem's death and it resonated with the show's audience. This is a perfect example of the emotional investment a viewer should feel when an important character dies on a show. The Shield has very sparingly killed off its main players so that the deaths mean more and provide a little more sting but I'd expect that to change in the Final Act with an elevated body count as the end comes near.

Great gritty writing is one half of what has made The Shield such a hit but it owes much of its success to some of the best acting on television. Michael Chiklis won an Emmy for his portrayal of Vic Mackey with Glenn Close and CCH Pounder also being nominated for their roles as Monica Rawlings and Claudette Wims, respectively. The Shield also features underated stars like Walton Goggins, Kenneth Johnson, David Reese Snell, Catherine Dent, and Jay Karnes. It also managed to bring in seasonal guest stars such as Anthony Anderson in Season 4 and Academy Award winning Forest Whitaker for Season 5. It even brought in well-known actors such as Kristen Bell and Carl Weathers and featured the likes of rapper Sticky Fingas in a ripped-from-the-headlines depiction of rapper Kern Little (based on Suge Knight). With this landmark show coming to a close it will be very exciting to see where all of this talent is going to land.

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Pretender to the Throne: Boston Legal (ABC)

Here we have an example of a show that gets 10 times the recognition of The Shield for one tenth of the quality. The fact that this show has been nominated for an Outstanding Drama Emmy for the past two years is an affront to humanity. If your face hurts right now it is because the Emmy Awards have recently slapped you across it. They also have blessed this show with nine acting nominations. Nine! I will grant that the one given to guest actor Michael J. Fox was well deserved. He is monumentous talent and a national treasure. I will also concede that James Spader is a fine actor, even if Boston Legal is not the best place to showcase this.

However, what I will not forgive are the three Emmy nominations and a win (and this excludes his win from when it was still called The Practice). The man is to acting what Alone in the Dark is to the filmography of Stephen Dorff: a blemish on an otherwise impressive enterprise. The...man...always...talks...like...he...recently...had...a...stroke. And his every performance is either an exploitation of Captain Kirk or of his own self-promoted pseudo-celebrity. The best acting that ever came to this man's face was in the movie Halloween. If I didn't think that it would boost his already over-sized ego I would suggest that we coin the term "Shatnerian" to denote terrible acting performances, as in "Molly Shannon's acting in Lawnmower Man 2: Beyond Cyberspace was Shatnerian." However, I think that 30 Rock's Tracy Jordan summed it up best when he said: "I watched Boston Legal nine times before I realized it wasn't a new Star Trek."

Whereas, The Shield has a cast of brilliant actors, Boston Legal can't keep it's actors because all of the decent ones (Monica Potter, Saffron Burrows, Julie Bowen, Constance Zimmer - yes they were all female) realized they were too good for this trash and jumped ship. Which only makes sense seeing as Boston Legal is a "spinoff" that resulted in an ill-advised house-cleaning of The Practice. It just goes to show you the power of the all-mighty dollar. The Practice had a good thing going. It won the Emmy for Outstanding Drama and was even the coveted Super Bowl lead-out program but when the ratings started to dip they cut many of their best assets such as Dylan McDermott, Marla Sokoloff, and Lara Flynn Boyle and brought in James Spader and some hacks they could get on the cheap. This remains a prime example of why creative integrity should trump ad revenue.

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3. How I Met Your Mother (CBS)

You can’t truly talk about shows that are making advances in the way that narratives are told without talking about How I Met Your Mother. The entire show is framed as a story told by the lead character (Ted Mosby) to his two kids in the year 2025. This use of a narrator allows Ted to take the story where he sees fit and leads to several classic storytelling devices showing up during the narrative. It uses maguffins (the pineapple in “The Pineapple Incident”), deus ex machinas (The Bus in "Miracles"), and unreliable narration (Robin’s boyfriend in “Slapsgiving”). Sitcom fans are always looking for the next Cheers or Seinfeld or Friends and How I Met Your Mother is all of these and none of these at the same time. It combines all of the aspects that you love about your favorite comedies while putting an original spin into every scene. How I Met Your Mother is committed to keeping its cast and format simple. Several recurring characters have come and gone but the show will always remain centered around the five primary characters: Ted, Marshall, Lily, Robin, and Barney. But simple should not be confused with predictable. Trying to guess where an episode is going before it gets there is like trying to get to a new restaurant without your Tom Tom, you’re going to take some wrong turns and you probably won’t end up where you expect to. (Yeah…I just ended a sentence and essentially a paragraph with a preposition. So sue me.)

How I Met Your Mother is not just changing television. It is changing American culture. Easily the most enjoyable part of the show are the various theories, rituals, and social experiments that Barney and occasionally Marshall present. Let's gander at some of the best:

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Theories:
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The Mendoza Diagonal states that men should always try to date a female who is hotter than she is crazy signified by being above the Mendoza Diagonal (see picture). The hotter a girl is the crazier she is allowed to be.
Degree of Awesomeness: 94 - This is a very true fact of life...most men do take other factors (especially craziness) into account but a female's hotness will always determine what degree of discomfort men will put up with.

Crazy Eyes states that men can easily tell if a woman is crazy just by looking into her eyes.

Degree of Awesomeness: 79 - This is an often true theory, however, some women have caught on to the theory and have discovered how to cloak the crazy eyes.

The Platinum Rule states "Never ever, ever, ever 'love' thy neighbor."
Degree of Awesomeness: 65 - I remain unconvinced of this rule. But that is the beauty of this rule. You can not recognize it's legitimacy without first breaking it. I know many who would heartily agree with this rule and once I break it the Degree of Awesomeness might skyrocket. However, the fact that it comes with nine steps gives it creedence.

The Chain of Screaming states that there is a virtual pecking order of people at whom you are allowed to scream and that it is only acceptable to pick on people within this chain.

Degree of Awesomeness: 42 - While it is correct in it's basic thought there are certain design flaws which is why Barney later ammended it to The Circle of Screaming.

The Cheerleader Effect states that fairly unattractive women (and men) are able to mask their hotness by hanging out in groups which make them appear more attractive.

Degree of Awesomeness: 23 - While the fundamentals might be there it fails to take into account lowered standards and the fact that The Spice Girls are really the only workable exhibit to date.

Rituals and Social Experiments:

Slap Bets are bets in which a wager is made with the winner being allowed to slap the loser. There is often a Slap Bet Commissioner to delegate the contest and the loser often recieves an option between more slaps now or fewer slaps to be doled out at the winner's convenience.
Degree of Awesomeness: 100 - Slap Bets are the perfect form of bet, truly one of God's greatest creations.

Hunt for the City's Best Burger is a quest taken on in which visits countless eateries in an effort to find the one within your metropolitan region that makes the best burger.

Degree of Awesomeness: 91 - While possibly expensive and time consuming it is an endeavor that is well worth it. I have enbarked on this quest in two different cities and my findings are Los Angeles: In n' Out Burger and Cincinnati: Quatmon's Cafe.

MishMash Game Night involves having a game night with your friends in which you invent a new game that combines different aspects of all your favorite games. Examples include "Marshgammon" which combines Candyland, I Never, Pictionary, Poker, and Taboo.
Degree of Awesomeness: 77 - A worthwhile idea. Game nights can be really fun every once and a while. I'm still trying to figure out how to combine Risk, Twister, Spin the Bottle, Chess, and L.A. Confidential drinking game.

Barney's Innovative Ways of Picking Up Women have led him to try pretending to be caring for his deaf brother (Ted), putting on old man make-up to convince women he is from the future and that they need to sleep with his present self, and hiring local actors to pull off an over-the-top version of the "Did it hurt when you fell from Heaven?" pick-up line.

Degree of Awesomeness: 35 - It would be cool to try but the slap factor is high and you get the feeling that only a Barney Stinson could pull off such elaborate lethario manuevers.

TiVoing the Super Bowl and Seeing If You Can Make It Until Monday Night without Finding Out the Result is fairly self-explanitory.

Degree of Awesomeness: 11 - It also happens to be fairly impossible and you miss the Super Bowl festivities.

Aside from all this, How I Met Your Mother has become the best sitcom on television by having the best characters and the best plots. They provide for endless comic possibilities. The show has recently taken advantage of Robin's Canadian background to give us some of the funniest gags ever such as The Story of the Whole in Lily's Wall from "Intervention" and her explanation of hockey-themed relationship terminology from "Happily Ever After". Barney Stinson's suit-wearing, womanizing, scotch drinking, persona is also legen...wait for it...dary. Legendary. And when all is said and done will probably go down as the funniest character in the history of television. That's right I said step aside Lucy Ricardo, Cosmo Kramer, and Homer J. Simpson. There plotlines are also overtly innovative. "The Pineapple Incident" in which Ted Mosby wakes up with a burned jacket, writing all over his body, a pineapple on his nightstand, a sprained ankle, and a mysterious woman (The Wonder Years' Danica Keller) in his bed. He then works backwards to re-create the previous night. It's writing like this that makes for great television. So if you don't already watch How I Met Your Mother all I have to say is Suit Up!, because it's going to be Legendary!

Pretender to the Throne: Entourage (HBO)

I don't think that Entourage is a bad show. I just think that it is an overtly shallow show. It doesn't off that much and relies on people's mindless intrigue with the Hollywood lifestyle to lure in viewers. I am more than willing to admit that I have watched Entourage and enjoyed it but it is not a show that leaves me with a long-standing feeling of satisfaction. It's about as shallow a show as many of the characters that appear on it. It also offers very few laughs for a show that claims to be a comedy. If viewed in its proper perspective this show is best described as a male version of Sex and the City. Think about it...think about it...you now know it to be true. Critics who enjoy it state that it does have deep themes as it is an in-depth look at male friendships and relationships. Quite frankly, I'm going to need a little more than that. I can watch Band of Brothers if I want to spelunk into the depths of male bonding. If you can't come with the laughs you may as well dig into deeper themes: like revenge, loss, or meaning of life.

The acting is also acceptable but not extraordinary. I have much bemoaned the fact that Jeremy Piven has won the past two Best Supporting Actor Emmys despite almost every critic picking HIMYM's Niel Patrick Harris (Barney Stinson) to win. It isn't all that surprising seeing as the Emmys employ industry voting and Entourage is one of the most well-connected shows in the industry, but it does showcase the downside of the current awards voting system. Jeremy Piven's Ari Gold isn't even that great of a character. The only emotion that he is overtly compitent at portraying is that of anger. Anybody can act angry. It's the easiest emotion to play. Every Season the writers give Ari one big dramatic tirade and that is the episode that he submits for Emmy consideration. Entourage also downplays the work of possibly it's two best actors: Kevin Dillon as Johnny "Drama" Chase and Rex Lee as Lloyd. I think that this show is a hell of a lot funnier to you if you're actually living the Hollywood lifestyle. Many of the characters are based on real people and there is a lot of inside industry humor. I'm not saying that there is anything wrong with this. You just need to be able to flex the jokes so that the informed viewer can understand them. Seeing as the vast majority of the world does not work in the industry, the show should be a little more relateable. Perhaps we will see that in the current season as the fallout from Medellin continues to wear down the career of Vincent Chase. And just to throw this out there, I think that a well-made Pablo Escobar bio-pic would make for a slamming film.

4. The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson (CBS)

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In order to explain exactly why The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson is so great I feel that an extended metaphor might be needed. In this metaphor Craig Ferguson is like a second grade little league player who is fairly scrawny and unimpressive looking. Funding and network support is like an on deck circle or organized practice. CBS will be playing the park of the alcoholic coach. Now having had absolutely no practices the team shows up to play a game and before little Craig has a chance to warm up his coach reeking of stale beer gives him a kick in the ass and tells him to get out there and take look down the pipe at a few sliders. Then little Craig goes and hits an out of the park home run. If you followed that convoluted metaphor I was telling you that Craig Ferguson puts on a tremendous show despite the fact that his network has failed to commit any time or capital towards the success of his show. Other late night programs have a band leader for witty banter. Leno has Kevin Eubanks. Letterman has Paul Schaeffer. Conan has Max Weinberg. Craig Ferguson only has his audience. And he makes brilliant use of them. Other late night shows have commercials promoting them. I don’t know that I’ve ever seen a commercial for the Late Late Show. Other shows get great guests. They get Presidential nominees, Oscar winners, and Triple Platinum musical guests. Craig Ferguson had Will Ferrell once. However, much like anybody who has their back forced up against a proverbial wall Craig Ferguson comes at you like a caged animal. And I don’t even think he knows that his back is up against the wall. You see Craig Ferguson has had to do without so much in his stint as host of the Late Late Show that he has really taken late night back to its truest and most entertaining form.

Craig Ferguson doesn’t need money, a fancy set, or a fancy band. Don’t get me wrong bands can be great. But far too many late night hosts use their bands as a crutch to banter back and forth with, especially when their audience is unresponsive. Late night hosts are basically stand-up comedians with guests and real stand-up comedians aren’t supposed to have bail out support. Craig’s lack of a band just means that he has to try that much harder to engage his audience because he has no lifeline. He also doesn’t have any props, operating with a very minimalist set. This is probably for the best, seeing as all Letterman does is kill time by playing with a pencil or coffee cup or anything else he can find to amuse himself. Ferguson’s sketches are fairly simple he follows his monologue on each show with a simple stream of consciousness E-Mail response segment complete with a fancy jingle. Even better is the fact that due to his lack of financing he is forced to whore himself out to advertising which he incorporates brilliantly into entertaining sketches. Most recently he had a recurring segment in which he chronicled the adventures of his assistant Matt whom he sent to pick up a fictitious Scottish hip-hop band (The Highlanderz) in his new Ford Flex. In each sketch they would make jokes about a different feature of the Ford Flex and would show a clip of their music video. It was wildly entertaining and even though everybody knew that they were watching a glorified commercial it made you wish that all advertising could be this entertaining. And when you think about it, using your show as a platform for advertisements isn’t even as bad as when you pretend that you enjoyed watching Premonition just because Sandra Bullock happens to be on your show that night.

Craig Ferguson doesn’t need talented writers. In late 2007 we were able to see the true genius of Craig Ferguson. With the arrival of last fall’s Writer’s Guild of America strike we got to see what late night without writers would look like. Most of it was not pretty. It got a lot more bearded with hosts growing beards in solidarity with their writers on strike and a lot less funny with hosts literally at a loss for words. Conan O’Brien resulted to having laser light shows and passing out gifts from the NBC store to his audience. For once the guests were the best segment but even most celebrities within the industry wouldn’t serve as guests because they didn’t want to cross the picket line. However, one late night show flourished and that was The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson. It did so because quite frankly he doesn’t rely on writers. Sure, he writes jokes…but he doesn’t have to. Half the time he just goes up there and lets loose with whatever is on his mind. You’ve probably never heard anybody interrupt themselves so often. He pulls through not on finely crafted jokes but just his own natural humor and charisma. Many of his jokes on a nightly basis are actually just stock jokes with cleverly inserted punch lines like they use in improvisational comedy. That is what sets Craig apart. Comedy has two distinct and important parts. There is the preparation and delivery half of comedy and there is the improvisational and spontaneous half of comedy. Craig Ferguson is one of the few remaining late night hosts who can do both. Too often late night hosts have to rest on their laurels and take what they’re given. Craig takes what he wants. I blame the networks for coddling their hosts by just handing them the reins to late night. Craig Ferguson had to win his position by competing against the likes of Ian Michael Black and D.L. Hughley in a month-long audition in front of America.

Craig Ferguson doesn’t need high-profile guests. High-profile guests serve a purpose. They stimulate interest with their name recognition and get people to tune in but just because a person is famous doesn’t mean that they are interesting. Anjolina Jolie might be on the cover of every magazine but I’ve seen interviews with her and quite frankly she’s pretty boring. Craig Ferguson often has people I’ve never heard of come on his show and they leave me enthralled. And it seems that when Craig can’t seem to line up anybody even mildly famous he comes through with his funniest interviews. His interview with his sister was both humorous and touching. When Sean William Scott didn’t arrive due to traffic he countered with a hilarious interview with the young female staffer who was to be assigned to Sean William Scott. And perhaps his funniest and most infamous interview was with Mitch Braswell, who played Fisherman #2 alongside Ferguson’s Fisherman #1 in the TV movie Vampire Bats. When life gives him lemons he makes Meadowlark Lemon.

Craig Ferguson doesn’t need to be funny. Almost every episode of The Late Late Show guarantees a good number of laughs but approximately twice a year Ferguson uses his show to have an honest heartfelt chat with his audience and viewers. He has discussed the passing of his father, his former alcoholism, and the importance of voter turnout. During this discussions he proves that he is not just a brilliant comedian but a great orator with a very sensible view of the world. He has stated that he doesn’t like to pick on Hollywood starlets with addictions because it’s a fairly sick practice to kick people when they are down and in need of help. He prefers to make fun of older men who can handle the abuse like Elton John, Paul McCartney, or Regis Philbin. He has class, he has chops, and Craigalicious (as his G.W.B. impersonator calls him) has my viewership every weeknight at 12:30.

Pretender to the Throne: The Late Show with David Letterman (CBS)

Most of Late Night Television is a respectable enterprise. Leno, Kimmel, O'Brien, and Stewart all put forth a good effort to make their shows unique and entertaining. I must also give props to Stephen Colbert as somebody else who is advancing the genre. However, the man that is insulting the craft the most is the man who has been at it the longest: Craig Ferguson's "boss" David Letterman. The man has been in the business since 1974 and it has been a slow descent into hell every step of the way. His show is currently damn near unwatchable. I've been told by fans of the Letterman that I don't appreciate his humor because it's "East Coast humor" and I can partially agree with this but I think that the main reason I don't like his humor is because he has nothing to say. He spends half the damn show playing with crap on his desk and prattling with Paul Schaffer. If you are interested in watching that, be my guest, but I will be on NBC watching Leno.

What's even worse about Letterman than his lack of any scrap of humor or ingenuity is the fact that he is so bitter and discourteous. He is constantly insulting his guests which alienates his audience, and leads to him feuding with everybody. The most recent of his feuds was with John McCain. Granted he may have been steamed that McCain had to cancel on him a few weeks earlier but I found it near revolting the way he attacked McCain after I'd seen the way that he handled Barack Obama with kid gloves. Letterman has to understand that he is not a journalist, he is a comedien. If I wanted to hear your political commentary I'd look for it on FOX/MSNBC/CNN. You should not be lulling people onto your show with the ruse of it being for a friendly talk and then attack them. If you're going to treat guests differently or hold them to different standards based on politics then you should advise people as such the way that John Stewart and Stephen Colbert have. And it's not just his political beliefs. He discriminates regionally as well. His East Coast bias is making a mockery of his profession. For somebody who allegedly specializes in self-depricating humor, he should get over himself. Watch the 1994 Oscars and you'll see what I mean. He ruined the what should have been the best Oscars ever (Pulp Fiction, Shawshank Redemption, Forrest Gump). What I guess I'm trying to say is: Fuck Letterman.

5. Life (NBC)

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At first glance Life's Detective Charlie Crews might seem like a character with such odd quirks that you'd think the writers threw bunch of odd character traits into a hat and just picked a few out. However, the more we learn about his life and his situation, you come to realize that they all make perfect sense. The writers of Life have crafted such a loveable yet enigmatic character who is the easiest character to root for in all of television. Crews is a police detective who was exonerated at the beginning of the series after he was convicted of murdering family friends over 12 years ago. He is now very wealthy due to a substantial settlement that includes reinstatement to his old job. Having spent a dozen years in prison he now has steadied his life with an appreciation for Zen Buddhism and an insatiable love of fresh fruit which is apparently very rare in prison. He also has a lack of understanding for new technology and likes to keep his new house as spacious as possible.

They have also complimented him perfectly with his polar opposite in the stunning Detective Dani Reese. She plays a tough cop who is a recovering drug addict and alcoholic which gives her a deeper emotionally vulnerable side. Her father was apparently also involved in the conspiracy to frame Charlie Crews. She is initially tapped to partner with Crews to keep an eye on him for the department but they develop a trust for one another and form an intriguing partnership.

The relationships between characters are what makes Life such a great show but it is also about certain themes that go unstated or understated in other detective shows. The main example of this is the theme of imprisonment and incarceration. Since Charlie Crews spent a dozen years in prison for a crime that he didn't commit he is always out to make dead sure that he has the right criminal for the right crime. He also knows that sometimes good people do bad things for good reasons. I know that I as an audience member often want to see the cops let the righteous killer or thief go free because he/she committed a crime for the right reason. However, in the interest of justice they never do. Until Charlie Crews came around. He deals with sensibilities that I can appreciate. This makes him flawed but it's a flaw I can apprectiate and what great character isn't flawed. This is what makes him ten times better than Caruso. Life also deals with the theme of second chances. Every character on Life has a fairly sordid past and has made their mistakes but they are all getting a chance to rectify past mistakes and get a second lease on life. In the process it has become a show that is better than other detective shows because it is deeper. It locks you in every week because you want to see where the bottom is.

Pretender to the Throne: Law and Order

You were good Law and Order but I think it's game over. There is not a single member of your original cast left. When you lack any anchor to your roots it's time to give it up (you too General Hospital). They've had so many detectives on this show you can't even keep track any more. Just when I was getting used to Chris Noth he gets replaced by Benjamin Bratt, then Jesse L. Martin, a short-lived Michael Imperioli, then two more detectives before Anthony Anderson. It has become a revolving door. And the quality is beginning to sag a little. It's not a bad show but it stopped being a mover and a shaker. It will most likely never be nominated for an Emmy again and it rarely ever featured decent character-centric arcs (which in my mind is what makes story-telling an art). I think Law and Order has to consider that it might be time to hang it up. This is all.

10 Other Revolutionary Shows

• Life On Mars (ABC)
• 30 Rock (NBC)
• Psych (USA)
• Burn Notice (USA)
• Bones (FOX)
• Friday Night Lights (NBC)
• Prison Break (FOX)
• Reaper (CW)
• Damages (FX)
• The Mole (ABC)

Prime Toasta's Book Club

Book of the Week:

The Road by Cormac McCarthy

You don't need me to tell you how great this novel by literary master Cormac McCarthy (No Country for Old Men, All the Pretty Horses, Blood Meridian) is because I'm pretty sure the Pulitzer Prize already beat me to it. This book has also had the honor of being named EW's best book of the last 25 Years. With remarkable poignancy McCarthy relates the trek of a father and his young son across post-Apocalyptic Appalachian America (hey, a snazzy tounge twister). It's a masterful work that deals with hope, the best and worst in human beings, and what really matters when all hell has broken loose.
PT Equation: Requium for a Dream (book) + John Q + In the Country of Last Things

Other Media Picks:

Movie: Primal Fear - Edward Norton's breakout film and one of his best roles. A truly underrated film that offers a unique perspective on the human psyche and the American legal system.

TV: Bones - Fox's police/medical investigation procedural kicks the CSI franchise to the curb with dynamic character relationships and recurring criminals like Howard Epps, the Gorgomon Killer, and the soon-to-resurface Grave Digger.

Music: "The Spirit Room" from Michelle Branch - Branch's debut album featured Top 10 hits like "Everywhere" and "All You Wanted" as well as perennial TV montage fodder "Goodbye to You". However, on second listen I think you'll also enjoy "Here with Me", "Sweet Misery", and "You Get Me".

A Week in the Life

So last Saturday I got to visit my roommate's (Nick Rosati) place of work, Round Rock Energy. He had to go in to do uploads so I went on watched college football on three of his office's five plus HD TVs. Nicest office ever. I was able to watch the Florida State-Clemson, Alabama-LSU, and Penn St.-Iowa games all at the same time. He also has four computer screens at his terminal. Aside from the office being palacial creating too much open space, the office is perfect. I probably wouldn't want to come home from an office like this.

Monday Night Trivia went significantly better this week for our team (Better Late Than Pregnant). Nick's co-worker Stan showed up and gave us a much needed boost though we talked ourselves out of certain correct answers that would have put us in prize territory. We finished in fourth, a single question out of second, and once again went home without a prize. However, we found out that next week Ben, Sarah, and Rosie will all be at the Xavier vs. Toledo game and it will be just Nick and I holding down the fort so maybe we'll have better luck with a lighter load.

I recieved blankets from my mother in the mail which have much improved my sleeping conditions, even though our landlord finally did turn on our heat.

Friday is/was a big night...I went to go see the Xavier Players production of Power Plays. It was stupendous. It featured a litany of great acting performances. I especially enjoyed the first act with Anne Fiegen and Lauren Yadlosky. I also think that if Zoe Teets is indeed a freshman she might leave Xavier as it's all-time greatest thespian. This was easily one of the Top 5 shows I've seen at Xavier, and I've seen them all.

Also, on Friday night I was informed that my high school alma mater, Loyola High School, had defeated Crespi in a must-win game to clinch a playoff berth. Crespi started the year as one of the Top 5 teams in the state and nationally ranked. This is a big win for Loyola who has missed the playoffs the last two years after winning CIF Titles in 2003 and 2005. My brother Matthew is currently a junior TE/DE on the team.

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I have also decided that once somebody has been referred to in two A Week in the Life segments, they will garner a new nickname. Therefore, Nick Rosati will be known from now on as "D.W.".

Sports Round-Up

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Who should be Cantonized?

With the announcement that Safety John Lynch will retire from the NFL next Monday there is bound to be some discussion over whether he is worthy of being enshrined in Canton at the NFL Hall of Fame. Some will say yes and others likely will say that he is not. I think that today's pro sports are far too choosy in regards to who they do and do not allow to partake of their greatest honors. Lynch's retirement got me to thinking that there are several other elder statesmen of the NFL who will be mulling retirement soon, and I think that we should take a look at some that are bound to be overlooked but that have made a clear case for Canton. It should be noted that I am not here to discuss soon-to-retire slam dunk Hall of Famers like Brett Favre, Ray Lewis, or Marvin Harrison.

1. Kurt Warner (Rams/Giants/Cardinals)

-2 time MVP (possibly soon to be 3-time)

-Super Bowl MVP and Champion of Super Bowl XXXIV

-One of only 2 quarterbacks with 4 Perfect Games (Maximum 158.3 Rating)

-Holds NFL Records for Career Completion percentage and Yards per Game

-Only QB to pass for 400 yards in Super Bowl

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I think the time is almost upon us when this will not really be a debate. Kurt Warner has always been an underrated quarterback. He was so underrated that he wasn't even drafted back in 1994. However, he is on the verge of what could be his 3rd MVP Season as he leads the league in Passer Rating and Completions and is second in Passing Yards and Passing Touchdowns. He also has turned the Arizona Cardinals into winners. The fact that he also holds NFL Records in Career Completion Percentage and Yards per Game shows that he has made the most of the time he was given in the NFL. A definite deserving Hall of Famer.

2. London Fletcher (Rams/Bills/Redskins)

-Champion of Super Bowl XXXIV
-Over 1300 tackles
-Finished Top 5 in tackles 6 times
-27.5 Sacks, 14 Interceptions, and 2 Safeties

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Here is another disrespected player who was not even drafted. I am well aware of the main knock on the career of London Fletcher. You'll say how can you be a Hall of Famer without having ever played in the Pro Bowl. I'll tell you it's because the Pro Bowl Selection process is idiotic. Let's look at Fletcher's 3 most productive years. 2006: He had 146 tackles (3rd in the NFL), 2 sacks, and 4 interceptions w/ 1 TD (only linebacker with more than 2 INTs). However, he missed the Pro Bowl, yet Al Wilson with 101 tackles, 1 sack, and 0 Interceptions made it as a starter. Also, Shawne Merriman made it with 62 tackles because he had 17 sacks. If you have 62 tackles and 17 sacks you have no business playing Linebacker. You are a Defensive End. 2005: He had 157 tackles (3rd in the NFL), 4 sacks, an interception, and a safety. He missed the Pro Bowl again to Al Wilson (72 tackles and 3 sacks) and Tedy Bruschi (62 tackles and 2 sacks). I realize that Tedy Bruschi was dealing with a stroke but the Pro Bowl is not a reward for having a stroke. You tell that man to go see a doctor. 2002: He had 147 tackles (3rd in NFL) and 3 sacks. He missed out to Adelius Thomas (52 tackles and 3 sacks) and Takeo Spikes (112 tackles and 1.5 sacks). Are we noticing a trend?

3. Derrick Brooks (Buccaneers)

-Champion of Super Bowl XXXVII

-10-time Pro Bowler (2005 Pro Bowl MVP)

-8 Defensive Touchdowns (1 in Super Bowl) and 1643 tackles

-NFL Defensive Player of Year (2002)

-Bart Starr and Walter Payton Man of the Year Winner

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This isn't really somebody that I feel I have to lobby for but somebody told me they thought he didn't belong so I will. 10 Pro Bowls. Top 10 All-time in Tackles. A Super Bowl Ring. A Defensive Player of the Year Award. And he did it all with one team which the Hall loves. And he did it all while being a great role model which the NFL loves. I'm going to sum up my defense with that because I don't think there is any more debate now. The case is closed.

4. Charles Woodson (Raiders/Packers)

-4-time Pro Bowler

-1998 Defensive Rookie of the Year

-Played in Super Bowl XXXVII

-37 Interceptions (1 in Super Bowl)

-Only defensive Heisman Winner (Granted, not NFL)

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Alright, I'm not sold on him for the Hall just yet but I believe that he will get there. With defensive backs it's hard to look at stats because quarterbacks throw away from the really good ones. However, if you watch football and you watch coverage you will find few better cornerbacks in the history of the NFL than Charles Woodson. His athleticism is unlike any other player playing the position right now with the exception of Champ Bailey. The fact that he is the only defensive player to ever win a Heisman set the bar so high that many consider him a disappointment. They were expecting the Michigan Wolverine Woodson who averaged 2 Interceptions for every game against a ranked opponent. The Charles Woodson that was ranked by ESPN as the #11 College Player in history. However, in the NFL good quarterbacks know to throw away from good coverage but that can be just as valuable to a team as interceptions.

5. Jeff Feagles (Patriots/Eagles/Cardinals/Seahawks/Giants)

-Champion of Super Bowl XLII

-NFL's Iron Man Record (328 games and counting)

-Records for Most punts, most punting yards, and punts inside the 20

-Pro Bowler

-41.5 yard Average for Punts

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Feagles appears to be an obvious choice for the Hall of Fame but there is only one problem. There are no punters in the Hall of Fame. Ray Guy of the Oakland Raiders a 7-time Pro Bowler and possibly the Greatest Punter of All-time is not in the Hall of Fame. Yale Lary of the Detroit Lions is in the Hall of Fame but he's in for playing Safety more so than for his punting. However, I think it's time that the NFL realized that every position is important and should be recognized for his achievements. Jeff Feagles (another undrafted phenom) is the most decorated punter ever and I think that the NFL should acknowledge this by allowing him entrance to the Hall of Fame. And they should let Ray Guy in too, while they're at it.

6. Kerry Collins (Panthers/Saints/Giants/Raiders/Titans)

-36,472 Passing Yards (Will finish 2008 Season 12th All-Time)

-Played in Super Bowl XXXV

-Pro Bowler

-182 Passing Touchdowns (Should finish 2008 in the Top 25)

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If you say that he doesn't belong now I might be inclined to agree. However, if he continues to stick around I think that it could be hard to keep him out. He has the requisite stats. He just doesn't have the winning. But the winning is coming. His Titans are currently undefeated more than halfway into the 2008 Season and are primed for a Bye into the Playoffs. If he wins the Super Bowl that should easily clinch it. Right now he has 36,472 passing yards and 182 passing touchdowns. If Kerry Collins can keep up this year's stats through 2009 he will likely finish in 8th Place all-time (ahead of Joe Montana and Johnny Unitas). He is already ahead of Troy Aikman, Steve Young, Jim Kelly, and Joe Namath. Likewise, if he keeps up this pace through 2009 he will finish aroung 20th in Passing TDs (ahead of Terry Bradshaw, Joe Namath, and Troy Aikman). And that's assuming he retires after 2009. I think there has to be something said for longevity. Not everybody can go as long as guys like Collins or Vinny Testaverde and that makes them a special kind of athlete deserving of special recognition.
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7. Tom Nalen (Broncos)

-2-time Super Bowl Champion
-5-time Pro Bowler
-Has had 6 different RBs rush for 1000 yards
-Played over 200 games

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Here we come to the hardest position to judge for Hall of Fame voters. The Offensive Lineman. It's a thankless position and Nalen is another disrespected underrated player (Drafted 7th Round). However, Nalen has several special characteristics that should help him gain entrance to the Hall. He has two Super Bowls. He has also anchored one of the best lines in the NFL that has allowed great runningbacks like Terrell Davis to rush for over 2000 yards in season and marginally shitty runningbacks like Mike Anderson, Rueben Droughns, and Tatum Bell to rush for 1000 yards in a season. He is also the only member of the Hey Day of Denver's line to spend his entire career in Denver.

8. Ty Law (Patriots/Jets/Chiefs)

-3-time Super Bowl Champion (started in 4)

-5-time Pro Bowler

-52 Career Interceptions (Top 20 All-time) (1 for TD in Super Bowl)

-2-time NFL Interceptions Leader (1998 and 2005)

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Here we have a man with the winning and the stats that makes Hall of Fame voters take notice. Anybody who can play in 4 Super Bowls, Win 3 of them, and literally be the difference in 1 of them with a crucial interception return for a Touchdown has a winning pedigree. But when you are able to snag as many interceptions as he has with quarterbacks throwing away from you on the majority of passing downs you begin to make a case as one of the greatest cornerbacks in the history of the game. No matter how you look at it.

Weekly Contest

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Due to the youth of this blog I have only had three submissions for last week's Contest and therefore, that contest will continue through this week.

Please e-mail your best bar trivia names to othersideofme4@yahoo.com or post them here. If I use yours or if I deem yours the best after having recieved 10 or more submissions I will mail you a $5 Wendy's gift card. Names should be funny and can be raunchy but don't need to be.